Tech Support

Tech Support: "Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

Murphy's Law of Computing

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

An efficiency expert concluded

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "Don't try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the fridge, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, "You're wasting too much time. Why don't you try carrying several things at once?"

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten."

Human Resource Lingo

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

The job interview!

3 guys go to a job interview. The interviewer doesn't have any ears..

The first guy goes into the office for his interview.
The man says to him, "The job that you're applying for requires powers of observation. Make one observation about me." So the guy says, "You ain't got no ears !" "Get out !!!" screams the interviewer.

So, the next guy gets up and goes in.
The interviewer says to the guy, "The job that you're applying for requires powers of observation. Make one observation about me." The guy says "You got no ears."
"Get out !!!" screams the interviewer again.

Then the third guy gets up to go in for his interview. The first 2 guys are out there and they tell him, "the guy that's giving the interview doesn't have any ears and he's kind of touchy about it". "Thanks for the tip" says the third guy.

So, he goes in for the interview and again the man says, "The job that you're applying for requires powers of observation. Make one observation about me."
So the guy stares at him for a while and finally he says "You wear contact lenses." The interviewer is impressed and says, "Excellent observation. Tell me, how could you tell ?". So the guy says, "Well, you couldn't wear glasses... you got no bloody ears !!!"

Glass half empty or half full?

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the IT guy, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

A wife or a mistress

An architect, an artist and an IT guy were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress because of the passion and mystery he found there. The IT guy said "I like both."

"Both?" The others asked. The IT guy replied "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

Two Monkeys

A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking for a monkey. The storeowner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.

"The one to the left costs $500," says the storeowner.

"Why so much?" asks the customer.

"Because it can program in C," answers the storeowner.

The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told that "That one costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology."

The startled man then asks about the third monkey.

"That one costs $3000," answers the storeowner.

"$3000!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?"

To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant."

The Top 10 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers

10. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '98.
9. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
8. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
7. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
6. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
5. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets very difficult to manoeuvre.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup.alt pictures. of master's leg.
2. Bum-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms. and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers.
1. *&! Tr#~O DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqkkS,.!

"Running it under Windows"

A woman called the a well known computer companies help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows". The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is
working fine."